Stop the Hurting: Why I’m Not Marrying Anybody

“Injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “Letter from Birmingham Jail”

The United Methodist Church struggles with human sexuality. At this time, much attention in my denomination is focused on the issues of homosexuality and same-sex marriage. Battle lines are drawn and we grow more contentious every day. Recently, several United Methodist pastors have been charged with defying the Book of Discipline—the rule book of the United Methodist Church—which explicitly forbids pastors from performing same-sex weddings. Our dialogue and debate has become a season of crime and punishment. The trials have begun.

In recent months we have witnessed the trial of Rev. Frank Schaefer, whose ministry credentials were stripped because he presided over a same-sex wedding and has refused to promise never to do it again. In March the trial begins for Rev. Thomas Ogletree. In my own corner of the United Methodist Church, the Upper New York Annual Conference, we are awaiting a trial date for Rev. Steve Heiss, who was brought up on charges last summer.

In this midst of this difficult issue, both sides have become more hardened, more absolute. Pastors who are performing same-sex marriages claim that they are being obedient to their calling to share the love of God with all people, regardless of their sexual orientation or identity. They see God’s activity in inclusiveness, in erasing the lines that separate us, acknowledging that we have drawn many of those lines ourselves.

Those who are opposed to these marriages cry for biblical obedience and hold up our Book of Discipline, claiming that these actions harm the covenant that clergy enter into when they are ordained. We have obligations not just to God, they rightly claim, but to one another. We are part of something larger than ourselves.

Every pastor and church member is a part of this struggle, no matter where they stand on the issues. I personally believe that our church’s historic stance on homosexuality is wrong and I support same-sex marriage and the ordination of homosexuals. But I also take seriously my church’s tradition (even when I disagree with it), the vows I made at my ordination, and the clergy covenant of which I’m part.

What solutions may come—from full inclusion to church schism—are not coming any time soon. There is much hard work to be done by men and women of good faith, clergy and laity. How can we proceed in this atmosphere of fear and distrust? How can me move forward together?

The United Methodist Church has historically expected its members to live by three simple rules:

First, do no harm. Second, do good. Third, stay in love with God.

As I go forward on this issue I must first do no harm. It’s very telling that the rule against harm comes first, before any other. No real, lasting good can be done through harming another. The kingdom of God cannot be built upon a foundation of pain.

Those who oppose same-sex marriages, and who would see pastors who perform them punished, argue that great harm is being done through these acts of disobedience, harm to the Church, the world, and to our fellow clergy with whom we covenant. Putting a stop to these marriages would bring an end to that harm.

Yet I am not blind to the harm that has been done—and continues to be done—by our denomination’s traditional stance on homosexuality. Generation upon generation have been grievously harmed by our intolerance. Our church is paying a toll in vitality, integrity, and human lives. Simply putting a stop to same-sex marriages does not return us to a time of wholeness and freedom from harm. I find disingenuous those who make such arguments.

I’ve been grappling with this issue for a long time, seeking a way to live into this struggle with faith and conviction. My heart—like Jesus’ own heart—leans toward the disenfranchised and powerless. Yet, as an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church, I take my vows, my tradition, and my covenant with my clergy sisters and brothers seriously.

After much prayerful consideration, I know that path I must walk during these difficulties. I will honor my vows and will not perform same-sex weddings. But I will also honor my calling to serve all people and until such time as I can share God’s love in marriage as I feel called, I will share it with none, gay or straight. Neither will I allow weddings to be performed by others in the church where I have been appointed to lead.

This is not fair. This is not just. This grieves me greatly. But this is the only principled way forward that I see as I navigate the troubled waters of this issue. What I am doing is not a solution, but a posture I must adopt in the midst of this struggle. I invite my fellow clergy to join me. Whatever their beliefs on this issue, this seems to me the only faithful way to engage one another and move forward. Let’s stop the hurting.

Rev. Michael A. Smith is an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church. He serves Trinity United Methodist Church, in Whitesboro, New York.